10 things to consider during a breakup

10 things to consider during a breakup

If you suspect your partner is no longer in love with you and your relationship is heading for a breakup. You need to have a conversation with your partner and deal with the situation. Here are 10 things to consider during a breakup.

It is the most dreaded conversation that anyone wants to go through, but the longer you leave it, the harder it is to repair the relationship. But before you attempt to have a conversation with your partner, consider the following:

1. Prepare your self-esteem, because this is going to be a bumpy ride. You’re going to take a lot of the blame (right or wrong) for why things have taken this sudden turn but remember this: You must always respect and love yourself first. It is the only armour that is going to protect you when the one person you most trust says and does things to you that are hurtful.

2. Listen. Don’t just listen to what your partner says in words but what is said in sentiment. You must be mentally present during these discussions. As so much will be revealed (often inadvertently) as they express what has led the relationship to its present state.

3. Take time to respond. In fact, take time to cool off and think before addressing things. By this point, you have realised you’re in a full-blown red-alert. Anything you have to say, no matter how pertinent you think it is, may not come out the way you intend if things are heated.

4. Be understanding and patient. Don’t rush to find a solution or quick fix. Your relationship and partner deserves time and space and so do you. Not everyone is emotionally mature. Not every action, reaction or word is what it seems. People do and say strange things and often without even realising the damage, they’re causing to those around them when they’re going through a personal crisis. Simply tell your partner that you should both take some time to formulate your thoughts and that you’re there for them when they’re ready to talk (this part is going to be really hard, but trust me, do it).

5.  Remember that you deserve respect, too. Don’t settle for less. Your partner may be mad, may say and do hurtful things. Sometimes just to get a rise out of you, but with all the understanding and patience you can master, insist on being treated with respect. Or take a step back until that can be achieved.

6.  Try not to blame. When the chips are down and you’re feeling attacked and vulnerable, you’re going to want to play the blame game, too. In the long run, it’s best if you don’t. Express what you need from your partner, set boundaries, make admissions and accommodate whenever it’s equally beneficial. You won’t find a solution by telling him/her why they are wrong or failed you. That will just trigger a defensive mechanism that prevents any logic from getting through.

7. Don’t compromise yourself. Sometimes there’s a desire to bail on all that you hold dear in the desperate attempt to keep your partner from leaving. That’s fear driving you and, in the end, it only demonstrates to your partner that they shouldn’t respect you. Any relationship solution is going to require that you both respect and trust one another — even if it means parting ways.

8. Know when to walk away. Sometimes, as awful as it feels and as scary as the prospect may seem. Walking away may be the healthiest thing for both of you to do. Irreparable damage happens when people stay together longer than was meant to be. If you have any future at all, and all attempts have been made to talk fairly and respectfully to find a solution. The distance may prove to be the only thing that allows perspective on what is truly important. So, I’ll reiterate this point. If you part ways and really don’t want to break up, your best chance at reuniting is to keep your distance and keep conversation to a minimum until such time as your ex has something profound to say. The worst, most hurtful and damaging things are going to be said by both of you when you’re dealing with heartbreak. Don’t compromise your integrity by saying things you might not mean. Believe me, I did and wish I hadn’t.

9. Forgive yourself for failing at any of these things. You’re human. You know what’s right and wrong, but emotions driven by heartbreak make people do foolish things. And, between you and me, I’ve failed at more than a few of these things which is why I can tell you what doesn’t work.

10. Recognise that sometimes it wasn’t meant to be. During extreme emotional moments such as these, your heart and body are screaming and desperate, but you must take the time to quiet yourself and listen to the logical whispering of your brain.

If all else fails and the relationship falls apart, remind yourself of this one truth over and over again until it sticks: There are billions of people on this planet and there will be another person for you, especially now that you’re equipped with new knowledge and strength to pursue what you want and need in your next relationship.