Dating incongruities: 4 reasons why we want someone we can’t have.

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Dating incongruities: 4 reasons why we want someone we can’t have.

We all have experienced the burning desire for another person who is out of our reach. Who isn’t readily available, the one person we just cannot have. The dating incongruities: 4 reasons why we want someone we can’t have.

Maybe it’s because we can’t have them, whether because they are taken already or are simply hard to get. Maybe it’s the chase that attracts us, maybe because this person doesn’t reciprocate our feelings, or maybe we’re just gluttons for punishment. Despite all the obvious hurdles we want this person even more.

Why is this? Why do we want a person, even more, when we can’t have them? Why do we pursue against all logic this impossible ‘trophy’ and ignore all other suitable partners, who will readily accept advances and potentially be better for us?

The answer to these questions boils down to the dynamics of our human mind with four principles at work:

1. Vanity

We are referring to the type of vanity that is responsible for our self-image that is closely tied up with our self-worth.

Humans think of themselves as, unique, special, attractive and important, all of which drive our pride, confidence and self-image.

Nobody wants to feel powerless, unattractive or incapable of affecting other people.

The same is true with that illogical desire to have the person we can’t have. Their rejection or non-acceptance of our advances hurt that very core of our personal vanity.

To compensate for this hurt, our minds will try to restore that ‘personal vanity’ and will try to do so by pushing you to obtain the thing that did the damage in the first place –the person you can’t have.

Once you see this pattern at work and are aware of it. Back away immediately, as there is no way of winning this. You will come across as a creep and you will sink further down in the department of desirability in the eyes of the person you desire most. The aggressive pursuit of this person will further repel them and cause more hurt and rejection and in turn make you want them more. Basic Human Psychology at work.

The fact that this person is not available and we want their time makes them more desirable. This makes this person more valuable than someone who is readily available. You become more attractive and desirable to others because of your scarcity.

2. Desire

Desire is intertwined in the social fabrics. We desire others according to our personal tastes, experiences and sexual preferences, but also we desire others who are desired by others. The element that others desire a person makes them more valuable and attractive in our eyes.

This social element intrigues us and creates this desire that if someone else desires something, it might have a quality that could interest us too.

To succeed in having this person we can’t have, will boost our self-esteem, it feeds our personal vanity and the desire to be in favour with someone we perceive as high in value.

3. Scacity

Our minds play tricks on us and more so when we want something badly. The inner workings of our mind are complex. When someone we desire is scarce to is the more we desire them. In essence this is the reason why those scarcer are often perceived as more attractive to our mind’s eyes.

4. Expectation

In simple terms, we have a perception that when we invest time, effort or money on someone or something we expect subconsciously, people reciprocate by doing something of equal or more value in return.

However, when we do invest much effort into someone who doesn’t desire it, usually is a means of pushing that person further away.

The truth is, even if you did get that person at the end, there’s a good chance that they won’t be enough. Unless your passion came from a genuine place, you lose interest and move on to the next conquest.

In honesty, constantly yearning for someone or something is an endless cycle of agony with no real fulfilment, and possibly no grand romantic ending.

So, when you want someone whom you simply cannot have, the best thing is to relax, step back and not invest so much into that someone. It will be a difficult thing to do as it is going against your instinct. In the long run, it’ll spare you of further embarrassment and pain.

Maybe work on the basis that – you are available and you want someone who is also available, so you can become unavailable together.



Tina is a DailyStar senior writer. She graduated from Edith Cowan University. Writing has always been something she enjoyed. Her positive outlook colours every aspect of her life. Her motto -Life’s too short so get living.

When she’s not busy writing, Tina is exploring the city she adores, running in her local Park every day, drinking an absurd amount of coffee, taking care of an adorable pup, kids and traveling.

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